Zyaada Fair Equals Zyaada Success?

When I first saw the new Shahrukh Khan TVC for Emami Fair and Handsome, I was nothing less of appalled. Isn't it amazing how he loosely uses and endorses a product that now doesn't only portray men as vain; but also gives them the impression that if you want to get ahead in life and if you want to become as successful as he is then you have got to be fair.

Really now?

Is being fair that important to being successful and popular? Does it all boil down to that one physical attribute?

Come to think of it, by that logic, I should be blaming my grandmother and mother for not having used Fair & Lovely when they could have. If only they'd thought about it, then all the generations to come wouldn't have had to deal with being dark!

Does that even make sense?

It's a logic I always found thwarted - If you're dark, you can't be successful. If you're dark you can't have something 'zyaada' in life..

I am dark and I have a lot of zyaada in my life. Zyaada self confidence minus the fairness cream, to begin with. 

Weird how advertising giants stoop to these levels to get their job done. Then again, this is my opinion. The opinion on a blog writer. If these kinds of advertisements need to be written off, it's going to take more than just one person's opinion. People have got to wake up to the idea of understanding how ridiculous these fairness products and their claims are. 

All The Single Ladies... Are Dark Skinned?

• Pretty face
• Likes cooking 
• Cleans the house because it de-stresses her
• Loves animals 
• Well read
• Well traveled
• Well spoken
• Loving 
• Caring 
• Independent 
• Hates shopping 
• Can down a beer faster than you can 
• Has a great sense of humor 
• Can laugh her way through phases of life that would normally leave people broken
• Competitive about career; caring about almost everything else 

Sounds like the kind of girl most guys would love to have, eh? Well if not most, at least a few. This list symbolizes a combination of qualities I know in a lot of women around me; especially some of the women in my inner circle. Each one of them checks out for about 80% of what this aforementioned list has to offer. Yet, surprisingly, all of them continue to be single - out of choice or out of lack of options. 

Believe it or not, most of these women are dark-skinned. If you're an Indian, you're well acquainted with the term 'wheatish'. I am not even sure if that's a word in real English; if you know what I mean. I believe the term 'wheatish' was coined to help people run away from the stigma that was usually associated with the term 'dark skinned'. We're not wheatish. We're dark skinned; and hell, we're more than okay with it. I'd go to say we're brown and proud! 

Is being dark such a big crime? Don't get me wrong when I say this. I am not saying that I, or any of these other chica friends of mine should be disappointed by the fact that men can't accept us for the way we look; I am saying where does this whole association of dark equals unattractive come from.

It's something that is ingrained; etched right at the roots. It's funny how we grew up watching pretty & fair faces on television and the media. Somewhere down the line, it grew upon us - this whole idea of fair equals beautiful. Dark faces were usually the ones behind the camera.

The dark ones are the ones who land up without a date; or the ones who land dates who want to land upon them, if you know what I mean.

I am a dark skinned woman; and I have no qualms in admitting this. I have met a number of chimps in the past who have been enamored by my skin tone and think of me as this exotic creature. Some how they seem more comfortable praising my skin tone when we are alone; and I am definitely not the kind of girl they'd want to be seen outside with, or take home to meet their parents.

It's annoying and unnerving when that happens. So is that how it's always going to be? Are the dark skinned ones going to be the 'friend', 'the guy with girl parts', the one you tell your sob stories to, who deals with all your shit, the pushover?

Some day, don't be surprised if she (this dark and dusky beauty) gets whisked away by someone else, and you realize how great she was. How amazing it would have been if you'd looked beyond her skin tone, the size of her waist, or the pimples on her face. It would have been amazing if you'd stopped hitting on her best friend and have given a shot at a real relationship with her. If you'd realized that this exotic beauty could have been yours forever!

Look again. If all you see is her color, then you have no clue what you're missing out on, mister. 

If Only You Were Fairer...

"I love your features. You have strikingly sharp features. Can you imagine how lovely you'd have looked with a lighter skin tone?"

I wonder why is it that 'pretty'/'beautiful' and 'dark skinned' are considered an oxymoron. Why do you have to be either or; why can't you be both? 

How often have you switched on your television set and seen a dark skinned protagonist. Correct me if I'm wrong; but don't most dark skinned people who land protagonist roles also fall into the category of 'lighter skinned dark tones with fabulous bodies that are to die for'. Eh?

Whoopi Goldberg as Sister Mary Clarence in Sister Act (1992)

How often have you seen a full busted, dark skinned woman take on a role that was tailor written for her? The only times I've seen it is when Whoopi Goldberg did movies like Sister Act. Hell, I can't imagine ANYONE else pulling off Sister Mary Clarence with such elan! That role was meant for her; or someone who was exactly like her. Some size 2 actor with fair skin would just not have cut it. Am I sounding judgmental here? May be so! 

Every time I look in the mirror, I see someone smiling back at me. 'That is a pretty face', I tell myself. I wonder if you do the same! 

Nonetheless, come to think of it. It's not every day that one gets to hear a compliment about how stunning they are looking, or how pretty their hair looks, etc. Well I guess that happens to my lighter skinned counterparts who sport slimmer waistlines and blemish free skin. Haven't we all seen the million comments em pretty fair skinned chicas get when they change their profile pictures on facebook, eh? Don't get me wrong. I don't hate them for being fair skinned, just like I don't automatically love people for being dark skinned.

However, its the fact that skin color becomes a factor to love or hate that makes me feel anything but absolute disdain. 

Some day, I hope there will come a time when people will let go for the prejudices that have been around for years. I hope people will stop trying to sell their fairness creams to me. No, I don't want to get a facial done because you think I have a tan. I don't have a tan. This is just the color of my skin. It's chocolate-y and it's gorgeous. If only you could open your eyes and see! 

Still I Rise

Black Women Writers - There were so many to choose from; but when it came to poets, my choice was always clear - MAYA ANGELOU. That woman won hands down. Some of her poems made me think for days together; and the fact that she didn't rely on big, pretentious words to get her point across was fabulous. Here is an example of the kind of work this stalwart produced. 

STILL I RISE

~ Maya Angelou 

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise. 

Dark Girls - The Documentary

While going through a women's portal that I have been following quite religiously these days, I came across an article in their archive. Titled 'Dark Girls: A Documentary', the headline caught my attention. As I went on to read the post, I grew even more interested in what this documentary actually had to offer. Actor - Director Bill Duke conceptualized and directed this documentary that is a compilation of interviews taken of darker skinned women and their issues in and around the Black Community. 

An excerpt from the documentary is something I'll be sharing with you here today. It sure made me think about how I believe we let our minds twist things out of control sometimes. There are always going to be those who whisper about our skin color. Whether or not we let that affect us is, after all, our choice. Nonetheless, I think it's a well made video and deserves to be seen. I hope you take the time out to watch the whole video (9 minutes and 22 seconds). 

RISE WOMEN RISE. 

Fair Skin Fetishes

I remember being told a story about how during a raid by the Narcotics Department at a club, they found no cocaine; but a guy with a tube of Fair & Lovely in his pocket. While they thought that the tube was fake and may have been filled with drugs, they were sadly disappointed. There was nothing but Fair & Lovely in there. Fair & Lovely - really? On a 26 year old guy! 

It's funny how entrenched this whole idea of 'being fair' is in our system. Everyone wants a fair girl for their boys; regardless of how chimp-like their sons might look. People want to look fairer in their photographs. I have often gotten dirty looks from the photograph developers at that local Polaroid place when I told them that I didn't want them artificially 'lightening' my picture. Really now? Do the guys at the visa place care how fair I look on my application form? I didn't think so. 

My worst experience till date with this entire fetish for 'fairer skin' came in the form of the Sindhi Aunty who did the make up for my sister, my mom and me at my sister's wedding reception. While we sat down in front of her, her tools in place (read: make up brushes); little did we know that we were heading towards an absolute disaster. What looked okay under the tubelight at our place looked horrendous and ghastly in the wedding pictures. Her attempt to make us look 989 shades lighter than what we were (we are dark and full South Indian women) ended in an absolute caked looked that kept crumbling as the evening went by. 

It's from that day on that I realized that choosing the right kind of make up is an art. I know a lot of feminists swear by the whole 'no-makeup' theory. I, on the other hand, see no harm in indulging in a lil bit of color here and there when I feel like it. Let me be clear, I do it for myself and for no one else. However, its also funny how the cosmetics industry in India caters to only half its population - the fairer and lighter skinned batch of women. It's almost like the other 50% or more don't exist for them.

As for the women who are constantly giving me advice on what colors suit darker women; all I have to say is - If I can carry it off with elan, I don't see how what colors I choose is anyone else's business! 

My Arch Nemesis - The Weighing Scale

When I sat down to watch an episode of the hit musical drama 'Glee' yesterday, I realized how tough high school life can be. I'd almost forgotten about that era. Thanks to a certain character named Wade a.k.a. Unique, I realized how things could get ugly when you weren't exactly conventional in the sense of the term as people knew it. 

Glee's Wade 'Unique' Adams

I, for one, had major trouble getting people to accept that I was okay being the size that I was. I didn't particularly enjoy the flab around me; but I'd learnt to accept the fact that this was who I was. This doesn't mean I didn't do anything to change how I looked - I did. I tried running for a while, dancing in the evenings, cycling even. Unfortunately 'a while' generally ended in a week. I found it extremely tough to keep up with any form of exercise I took up.

Weeks turned into months and months into years. The once plump girl from school turned into the obese woman stuck in a corporate job. Sitting in your seat, staring at a laptop, and hitting the keys with a vengeance did not burn calories (How I wish it did!). 

There came a day when I decided to try and join a gym. (Sigh!) From the moment I walked in, I knew from the looks on their faces that I was being judged. The fair skinned receptionist, with her make up caked on perfectly, her 28" waistline - she instantly thought that she was better than me. Oh, forget her being better; she almost pitied me for looking the way I did. Was I imagining all of this? Nopes! I actually overheard the receptionist and a male client talking about me as I walked into the nutritionist's office. The sneering was loud enough for me not to ignore it. 

The nutritionist decided to sit me down and discuss what plans would be best for me; but before we got started out she asked me to stand up on the huge weighing scale in her office. Suddenly it hit me, the only thing larger than me in that office was perhaps that weighing scale; and it was that very scale that was going to tell the nutritionist and a personal trainer who were in the room exactly what my weight was. It was as bad as being stripped naked in front of a 1000 men. Alright, so I was overreacting; but it wasn't the prettiest of things to do. Coupled with the sneering I'd been met with ever since I walked in the door, stepping onto that weighing scale was not something I was looking forward to.

I held my breath and stepped onto it with great hesitation; and as if almost on command, exhaled when my second foot landed on the scale. The look on the nutritionist's face was enough to tell me that there was reason to worry. I was then standing at the rather 'large' figure of 108 kilograms. Yep. That was how much I weighed. Suddenly, it all came crashing on me. My weight was in three figures. No wonder these guys had been laughing and sneering.

As I looked at myself in the mirror that evening, something about me had changed. I no longer noticed my pretty smile or my lovely glowing skin. All I was worried about was my unshapely butt and my waistline that was spilling out of my pants. Isn't it amazing how one small incident can make you change the way you look at yourself - for better or for worse!

If you have to look at me today, you'd know that I took the decision to make a change about how things were going. But it wasn't easy taking that decision. I fought with a lot more weighty issues before I decided to make a difference. I hit a number higher than 108 before I started moving backwards. Today, at 84 kilograms, I am about 20 -22 kilograms above my ideal weight range; but it sure seems like a reality within my grasp. Add to this the fact that I have managed to go out and become a certified dance fitness trainer only adds to the feathers in my cap. My journey of reclaiming my life is no longer something I struggle with alone. I have found my means to an end; and I am also helping a lot of people around me do the same. If I could do it, so can they! Eh?

P.S.: I still am hesitant about getting onto a weighing scale, but I am hoping that changes with time. 

Not Fair Yet Lovely

Image Courtesy 'Not Fair Still Lovely' Facebook Page - https://www.facebook.com/Not.fair.still.lovely

Wanted - Fair, Thin Girl for Indian boy. Sound familiar? 
Trying to suck your stomach in while  you look at yourself in the mirror is something we all do, all the time perhaps. But why? Why can't we just be in love with that gut - as wretched as we may think it looks? Who has convinced us that it looks wretched? 

Is it the fault of those gazillion stretch marks - some from previous weight loss journeys that didn't end too well; or from childbirth? 

Is it the fault of those pint sized women that stare back at us from the television screens? 

Is it the fault of those airbrushed women with high cheekbones and the long flawless torso who bare all in magazines? 

Is the airbrushing just about getting rid of cellulite or does it help lighten their skin tone by two shades or sometimes a hundred?

Are we ever really going to be happy with the way we look?Or is it really our fault that we didn't fall in love with ourselves? 

About 6 years back, my then boyfriend said something to me that changed my life forever. He said 'Darling, if you can't truly fall in love with yourself, then how can I do the same?' 

That was the day I began a journey towards finding out what was it that made me who I was; and in the process I found a lot of sisters along the way who thought like me. As they say, you're not the only one when it comes to any battle. There is always someone else out there who knows what you're going through. It's only a matter of time before you find them. 

Who knows how many more people I will find on my journey here. Perhaps this blog may also introduce me to a plethora of emotions and individuals who may change the course of this journey that's already underway. 

Regardless of where I go with this blog, remember - You may not be fair, but you're still lovely. You may not be stick thin, but you're still gorgeous!